Counting days — helpful or harmful?

Let's talk about something that can be incredibly motivating on the journey to changing your relationship with alcohol... but can also quietly work against you if you're not careful — day counts.

You know... the old Day 1. Day 30. Day 100.

Now, I want to say upfront: I'm not against counting days. I'm over seven years alcohol-free at the time of writing this, and early on, counting the days felt incredibly motivating. So I get it. Counting can be a really helpful tool to keep you motivated and help you stay the course.

But I also see the other side of counting; when it can actually work against your progress. I see it with my clients all the time, and I experienced it myself. I remember how demotivating my countless Day 1s felt.

What a Duolingo streak taught me

I was reminded of it the other day by my son.

My son is learning Portuguese on an app called Duolingo. It's gamified, so it tracks streaks. Because the subscription was annual and expensive, we told him that if he kept it up for a full year, there'd be a reward. So he had a lot riding on this streak. He'd built up 235 days.

Then he went through a stretch of being off technology for a while. Duolingo was still allowed, but it just wasn't really front of mind. One morning, he woke up in a full panic because he realised he'd missed a couple of days. He thought he'd lost all 235 days.

You can imagine how devastating that felt to him after all that work.

While we were frantically trying to locate the iPad, he actually said to me, "If I've lost my streak, that's it. I'm not starting over. It's too hard."

He was ready to give up on Portuguese completely. After all that work... over a streak number.

Now, long story short, turns out he had a magical streak freeze up his sleeve, and nothing was lost. I thought that was pretty clever of the app developers — they obviously understand a little something about how demotivating losing a streak can be.

But that panic in my son was so real. And it stuck with me, because I think it's exactly what can happen to us when we're trying to change our relationship with alcohol.

We lose our streak, and suddenly this inner dialogue starts: "Now I've lost all my progress. Now I have to start over. Am I ever going to get there?" And those thoughts can feel so daunting and hopeless that, if we're not aware of them, they can completely derail us.

You do not start over

So here's what I really want you to hear today...

You do not start over.

If you're doing the work: learning about the reasons you turn to alcohol... becoming more aware of the needs you've been trying to satisfy with it... noticing the emotions, situations or people that trigger you... and gathering new ways to look after yourself, you are learning.

Even if you are still drinking.

You're learning what alcohol actually does for you, and perhaps what it doesn't. You're becoming more aware of the thoughts, emotions and needs that sit underneath the desire to drink. You're beginning to understand yourself more deeply.

And as you learn and grow in awareness, you're creating space to respond differently.

Maybe you're practising new ways of moving through your day. Learning how to sit with emotions you might previously have reached for alcohol to numb. Trying different ways to look after yourself when you're stressed, lonely, bored or overwhelmed. Learning how to navigate cravings. Getting curious when you do drink, rather than simply judging yourself for it.

I kind of think of it like learning a new language — the language of living alcohol-free.

The learning doesn't disappear

And that learning does not disappear with a setback. It just doesn't.

Can you imagine my son's learning from those 235 days of Portuguese disappearing because he missed a couple of lessons? No. All that Portuguese is still in his brain. He might be a little rusty after a break and need some practice again, but he hasn't suddenly gone back to knowing absolutely no Portuguese.

It's the same with changing your relationship with alcohol.

If you've gone back to drinking, it simply means that something happened. Maybe an old trigger showed up. Maybe you experienced a difficult emotion, and your brain went straight back to the old, familiar response. Or you've been more stressed than usual and your self-care slipped. And then one of those little thoughts popped up... "Maybe things will be different now. Maybe I can just have one. Maybe just tonight."

Those old neural pathways in our brain are deeply grooved. I think of them like well-worn highways that we've travelled thousands of times before. So something happens, that old pathway lights up, and we follow it.

But that doesn't mean the new pathways have disappeared. That new language is still there.

And the quicker we can get curious about what happened, learn from the experience and move forward, the quicker we get back to practising those new ways of thinking and responding. And the less we use those old pathways that lead to drinking, over time they become dormant.

Other ways to see your progress

So yes, it might feel like your day count is starting again. And if counting days works for you, please keep counting. But I want to encourage you to also find other ways to look at your progress over time.

• An app that tracks your alcohol-free days across a longer period
• A physical colouring calendar where you can see your progress over the months
• The percentage of days you've been alcohol-free since the day you decided to make a change

Whatever it is, find something that reminds you that you have not lost the learning and enables you to zoom out and see your progress over time.

Make the days count

So maybe instead of just counting days, think about making the days count.

Because some of our biggest learning can come from the times we've returned to alcohol. When we can get curious about those moments and reflect on what happened, they can become some of our greatest teachers. You start to see your triggers more clearly, recognise that voice that convinces you to go back to drinking. You remember what actually happened last time you listened to it. And slowly, it begins to lose its power.

That is what moves us forward.

Not a perfect, unbroken line of alcohol-free days.

So, if counting days motivates you, count them. Celebrate them.

But don't let losing that count convince you that you've lost everything.

You haven't.

Make the days count. Even the hard ones. Especially the hard ones. You are not starting over. You're continuing.